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A
FEW GOLF JOKES
(SUBMIT YOUR
CLEAN, GOLF JOKE HERE)
To
his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't
hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't
waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and
the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was
a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly
between his ball and the green. After several minutes of
debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said,
"You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right
over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung
hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree
trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from
where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when
I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
(Submitted by Jeanne Shoup)
A
pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning
for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,
"What's with these guys? We must have been waiting
for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't
know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor
said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have
a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with
that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group
of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our
clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play
for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say
a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said,
"Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
THE
GOSPEL ACCORDING TO ST. TITLEIST
- May thy ball lie in green pastures -- and not in still
waters. ~Author Unknown
- The only time my prayers are never answered is on the
golf course.
~Billy Graham
- Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us.
- Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent
inability to count past five. ~John Updike
- It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place
the world is when one is playing golf. ~Robert Lynd
- If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball,
the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
~Horace G. Hutchinson
- They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf
is more complicated than that. ~Gardner Dickinson
- If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they
do a golf club, they'd starve to death. ~Sam Snead
- Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
~William Wordsworth
- If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. ~Dean Martin
- If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw
it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to
waste energy going back to pick it up. ~Tommy Bolt
- Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally
responsible when he makes a hole in one. ~Author Unknown
- I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes
they'd come up sliced.
~Author Unknown
- My handicap? Woods and irons. ~Chris Codiroli
- The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody
would put a flagstick on top. ~Pete Dye
- I'm hitting the woods just great -- but having a terrible
time getting out of them! ~Author Unknown
- If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking
up the wrong golf ball. ~Jack Lemmon
- It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls
while they are still rolling.
~Mark Twain
- Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
~Harry Vardon
- The difference in golf and government is that in golf
you can't improve your lie. ~George Deukmejian
- Golf! is a game invented by the same people who think
music comes out of a bagpipe. ~Author Unknown
- If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's
a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. ~Author Unknown
AMEN! Gospel according to St. Titleist
The
Little White Ball
-
A golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late?"
The friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin
between going to church or playing golf and it took 25 tosses
to get it right!"
-
A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular,
and your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really
know your way around the golf course. What's your secret?"
Nicklaus
replied, "The holes are numbered."
- A young man and a priest were playing golf together. At
a short par-3 the priest asked, "What are you going
to use on this hole, my son?"
The
young man said, "An 8--iron, Father. How about you?"
The priest said, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and
pray."
The
young man hit his 8--iron and put his ball on the green.
The priest topped his 7--iron and dribbled the ball a few
yards.
The
young man said, "I don't know about you Father, but
in my Church when we pray, we keep our head down."
-
An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly
acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, the American
played a "Mulligan" which was an extremely good
shot.. He then asked the Scot, "What do you call a
Mulligan in Scotland?"
"We call it hitting 3"
-
Police were called to an apartment and found a woman holding
a bloody 5--iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asked, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes,"
said the woman.
"Did
you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes,
yes, I did." The woman began to sob, dropped the club,
and put her hands over her face.
"How
many times did you hit him?"
"I
don't know. Five, six, maybe seven times. Just put me down
for a five.
A
TRUE STORY
Last
Wednesday, one of our Cassville Golf Club members was walking
off the number five green when a screaming line drive golf
ball hit him square in the face! The ball hit just above
his right eye and down he went. When we rushed over to him,
we all feared the worst. Laying face down on the ground,
we could see a lot of blood already coming from his face.
He didn't stay down long. In fact we tried to keep him down
but he just wouldn't stay down. After a few minutes, he
said, "Guys, just let me go tee off on six and then
we can do something about all this blood." SPOKEN LIKE
A TRUE GOLFER!!!
What
some people don't know is that he had just made 5 after
hitting out of 2 sandtraps - so nothing was going to keep
him from playing the next hole.
Happily,
common sense prevailed and he left the course to get his
injury taken care of.
This
scary incident - though it turned out fine and Don returned
to play another day - should remind us all how dangerous
an errant golf ball can be. Every golfer should be prepared
to yell FORE in case of a ball gone bad. Let this be a reminder
to all of us to be aware of what can happen while we are
having so much fun doing what we enjoy!
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