A FEW GOLF JOKES & MORE
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LOCAL LADIES' CLUB MEMBER HAS WRITTEN A NEW BOOK OF GOLF TIPS! ORDER YOURS TODAY. Here's what's inside the book. Submitted by Jeannie Shoup.

One day one of our - name withheld for obvious reasons - faithful Cassville members was getting ready to putt on the 18th green when a funeral procession started coming down Highway 112. He stepped up away from his putt and looked toward the procession and took his hat off and stood perfectly still until the procession had passed. As he was preparing to return to his putt, a member of his foursome told him he thought that was very respectful and kind that he stop putting while the procession passed. To which he replied, "Well, you know we were married for 14 years."

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall." (Submitted by Jeanie Shoup)

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO ST. TITLEIST
- May thy ball lie in green pastures -- and not in still waters. ~Author Unknown
- The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
~Billy Graham
- Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us.
- Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. ~John Updike
- It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. ~Robert Lynd
- If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. ~Horace G. Hutchinson
- They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. ~Gardner Dickinson
- If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. ~Sam Snead
- Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. ~William Wordsworth
- If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. ~Dean Martin
- If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. ~Tommy Bolt
- Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one. ~Author Unknown
- I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
~Author Unknown
- My handicap? Woods and irons. ~Chris Codiroli
- The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flagstick on top. ~Pete Dye
- I'm hitting the woods just great -- but having a terrible time getting out of them! ~Author Unknown
- If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~Jack Lemmon
- It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
~Mark Twain
- Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. ~Harry Vardon
- The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. ~George Deukmejian
- Golf! is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. ~Author Unknown
- If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. ~Author Unknown
AMEN! Gospel according to St. Titleist

The Little White Ball

- A golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late?"

The friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf and it took 25 tosses to get it right!"

- A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, and your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the golf course. What's your secret?"

Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered."

- A young man and a priest were playing golf together. At a short par-3 the priest asked, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man said, "An 8--iron, Father. How about you?"

The priest said, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hit his 8--iron and put his ball on the green. The priest topped his 7--iron and dribbled the ball a few yards.

The young man said, "I don't know about you Father, but in my Church when we pray, we keep our head down."

- An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, the American played a "Mulligan" which was an extremely good shot.. He then asked the Scot, "What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?"

"We call it hitting 3"

- Police were called to an apartment and found a woman holding a bloody 5--iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asked, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes," said the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman began to sob, dropped the club, and put her hands over her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know. Five, six, maybe seven times. Just put me down for a five.